Religion

Zebras, ulcers, and me

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A friend of mine asked me the other day if I knew why Zebras don’t get ulcers (a concept that also has a book written about it). I did not have a clue why they didn’t especially since they are hunted by so many predators.

Unlike us human beings, Zebras deal with the immediate danger by flight or fight, however, once the immediate danger is over, the Zebra continues like nothing happened. The Zebra does not revisit the issue, analyze the good and bad, or dwell on the hurt or betrayal. It moves on like nothing happened.

The Zebra also doesn’t worry about the next attack or predator. It does what it normally does until faced with danger again. It does not worry about its next meal or drink. It just looks for it like it always does until it finds what it needs.

We dwell on issues. Someone hurts us, then we dwell on it. We follow them, keep them close. Hence the old adage, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. In reality when we do that we continue to allow them to affect our lives, we keep reliving the past hurt, pain, frustration, and etc.

This is a hard lesson, trust me, I know! I am still trying to learn this. I go and visit the websites of people who hurt me. I look them up on Facebook to see what they are saying and doing. And by doing so, my blood pressure goes up, I get frustrated and angry. Or I get sad and depressed. Either way, it only damages me. It does not damage them. They could care less!

So my lesson for today is to learn to let go. Stop living in the past. Stop worrying about what was and what could have been. Instead, I am going to focus on today. I am going to focus on the future, free of the hurt and pain of the past. (And I am going to use the Facebook block people feature more often!)

Will you walk this path of letting go with me?

A mile in my shoes

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It is hard to rise above the depression that so easily sets in when faced with the world today. I know this all too well. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Many pastors will not talk about these types of struggles, however, more of them have these struggles than you will ever know.

Many people who are well meaning Christians, say that if I had more faith, if I prayed more, if I trusted God more, I would not have these issues. Some tell me to just lose weight, exercise, get out more. All these things are supposed to be a magic cure for what ails me.

It is not. It is not helpful for people to tell me all these things. It makes me feel even worse. You see, I don’t exercise like I “should” because, like most people with my conditions, there are physical issues involved too. I have arthritis in my spine. The better term, one used recently after my latest CT Scan, is degenerative disk disease. This causes an almost constant pain in my back and has at times affected my ability to walk or even sit for long periods of time.

I also have diabetes. Which means that I have to snack from time to time in order to keep from passing out. Which leads to people talking about how I would not be a fat slob if I didn’t eat so much. People who know me, who see me on a daily basis, know I actually eat very little. Lately, I have lost some weight; so much that my once tight pants are now falling off of me.

I had a lot of issues from my abusive childhood. Sadly, there were many people in my past who fed off of that and they too abused me. Thankfully, they are no longer in my life. However, more damage was done while they were in my life.

Three people sexually assaulted me, one a relative assaulted me repeatedly for many years. He is currently serving a very long sentence in prison for other sex related crimes. The others, I have no idea where they are or what their lives are like.

Recently I decided that I had finally had enough of living this way. So I decided to get some help in dealing with my past issues that caused the depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I decided that I no longer wanted to settle for living on medications when there is a chance that I could overcome my past, overcome the abuse I suffered, and live without having my emotions stunted by medication.

Mind you, this is not to be done lightly. I am suggesting that anyone should try this, let along try it alone. I have trained medical and psychological experts assisting me through this process.  Otherwise, I would be God knows where!

I have good days and I have bad days. I am trying to learn how to deal with emotions that I have not felt for years because of the medications. I am trying to learn to take 5 seconds to think before I react. Like I said, it is not easy. One of the greatest battles I am facing right now is a feeling that I am useless. I feel like nothing I do is enough. I have started volunteering everywhere in an effort to feel like I am doing something worthwhile.

I spend my days in prayer for my brothers and sisters in the church, for those who ask for prayers, for the whole world. I work to try to build a parish with no success so far. But I continue to try. Yet, it still does not feel like enough. Even as I write this, I feel like I am being a drain rather than a help. I don’t want sympathy, I just want people to understand what it is like to be in my shoes.

Remember one thing, I am not alone. Your pastor may be one of the thousands of pastors who struggle with the very same feelings and issues. They do not need your advice, they do not need your pity. They need your love and support. They need your prayers. They need to know they are needed. They need to know that they make a difference. They need to know they matter.

Take a moment to call your pastor and thank him or her. Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them how much they have helped you. Build them up before it is too late!

The Middle (Followup Blog)

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I must caveat this post as usual. This is my opinion and not necessarily the opinion of any church or organization I am affiliated with.

The Middle.

I posted earlier today on Facebook about the middle. I wanted to expand upon that posting.

The middle is often viewed with disdain. People say that if you sit on the fence, you are lukewarm or indecisive. The middle man is usually seen as being the one that gets the short end of the stick.

But I believe that in our current day, the middle is where we as clergy should be. There are so many people rushing to align themselves with causes that sit on the edges. Civility has been lost in our political and social discourse. It has become an “us” verses “them” narrative. But that is not the message of the Christ.

The message of the Christ is one of love. Love does not run to the extremes that exclude people, vilify people, marginalize people, or dismiss people. Love embraces all people. In love it is not an “us” verses “them”, it is a WE.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe we are called to stand against inequality, injustice, hate, bigotry, racism, and all the other forms of discrimination. I do not believe that we will be effective by vilifying those who disagree with us or who we view as opposing our views.

When I see videos on Facebook of police and Black Lives Matters protestors marching arm in arm, I am overjoyed. They have mastered the WE. They are living in the middle. They are not vilifying each other, but rather working together to rid the world of hate, anger, racism, and violence. That is what we should all be doing.

But when I see protestors at Planned Parenthood clinics calling women entering the clinics whores and sluts, telling them they are going to hell, despite the fact that the woman may only be there for a cancer screening, I am disappointed. When I see protestors calling for the death of people they view as opposed to their movement, saying that whole segments of society are going to hell because of who they love, or being violent in the name of forcing change, I am saddened. This is not what we as Christians, or we as clergy, are called to do.

We are called, as Saint Paul said, to become “…all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.” (1 Corinthians 9:22)

Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law.  To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.  I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. – 1 Corinthians 9:19-23

We do not have to rush to the edges, we do not have to become extremist to effect change in our world. We can effect change by standing in the middle. We can be an anchor so that those who have drifted to the edge might have a lifeline back to the middle. We can stand, silent, prayerful, in the middle, with our anchor attached firmly to the Christ. We can effect change by being the lighthouse.

The lighthouse does not ride on the ship. It does not stand miles away from the coast. It does not drift in the water off the coast. It stands in the middle. It marks the point where the two major forces join. We can be that lighthouse.

It is time to set aside the rhetoric that divides people. It is time to stop with the “us” verses “them” mentality. It is time to unite people.

Here are some novel ideas on uniting people:

  1. Remain civil in your discourse. Online discussions are the worst about this. This is because it is hard to hear the tenor in which things are said. Someone’s short to the point response may not be them being rude, it might be them on a cell phone trying to type with a keyboard that is 2 times smaller than their fingers (trust me, this is me most of the time!). Their formality in their messages may not be condescension, but rather formality and an attempt at showing respect to you. It is always better to assume the best in someone rather than assume the worst. It will defuse so many situations.
  2. Stay away from politics. This is a hard one for me. I love politics. I love to discuss politics. But I live in the deep South. Here my politics are heresy. So rather than anger people, I try to take Saint Paul’s tact and be all things to all people. That means I have to sometimes grit my teeth and say nothing when someone is attaching my political views. I don’t go on the defense. I don’t even share that they are talking about things I support. I merely smile and bless them. That also defuses so many tense situations.
  3. Religion is not a weapon. As clergy, many of us already know this. But there are times it is hard to remember in the heat of a discussion. Our Christ taught us love. We can preach and live love if we are using the Bible as a sword. We should be gentle in our discourse on religion. We should show the love of the Christ to everyone, regardless of who they are, what religion they are, and who they love. If we cannot do that, we have missed the entire point. Christ calls us to love. It is time we as Christians start loving.
  4. Lastly, for all else, use the 5 second rule. I want to share with you a little tidbit about me. I have been on anti-depressants for 15 years or so. Rather than deal with my issues from my childhood and young adult life, I was given medications to mask the problems. Now 15 years later, I am working on those issues. As such, I have also been able to lower the doses of some of my medications. One of the things that anti-depressants do is they regulate emotion. So I experienced a very muted set of emotions for 15 years. Now that I am working to come off the meds, I experience more emotions that before. It is has led me to have to use the 5 second rule much more. It really works. When you read something, see something, experience something and you are tempted to react immediately, take 5 seconds to breath first and then ask yourself if this is something you should get worked up over. Is this something you should respond to? What would Jesus do? (In my case, I ask what a dear Bishop of mine and a priest of mine would do.) Only after that 5 seconds and a little thought, should you react. This will save you and everyone around you a lot of grief. It has for me!

These are not hard things. They are habits we should work to incorporate into our daily lives. Civility, love, charity, and understanding are not bad words. They are words that bring us closer to what the Christ taught. Let’s start living them.

Blessings!

X-Files: The two natures of man

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Many of you know that I have a rather interesting taste in music, tv shows and movies. The recent announcement that Fox was bringing back the X-Files sent my heart aflutter. Most of the episodes have been ok. The cast is a little older and the writers a little less out there, but it is a good season nonetheless. I hope they bring it back next season.

That said, I was struck by a line out of tonight’s episode entitled “Babylon”.

‘I saw deep and unconditional love,’ Mulder explained.

‘I witnessed unqualified hate that appears to have no end,’ Scully retorted.

‘How to reconcile the two…the extremes of our nature?’ Mulder mused.

Anyone who knows me knows that this is a question I have been asking myself for several years now. And here we are in an election cycle that has shown that “unqualified hate that appears to have no end.”

One of the premises of this episode was that people are open to suggestion; that words and ideas have weight. When we support, either outright or by our silence, the verbiage of hate, we help it take root in the lives of those who look to us for guidance.

On the other side of that lies the issue of how to address such hate without becoming hateful ourselves. Sometimes it is not about what we say, but how we say it. As a pastor, I struggle with this all the time. Sometimes I need to say something about the actions or attitudes of others, but I must remember to do so in Christian love and charity so as to not become what I am preaching against.

I have had several people ask me if I have watched the political debates. The answer is no…no I have not watched them. I am not sticking my head in the sand or ignoring the political issues. Rather, I refuse to allow the anger, vitriol and hate that is being spread by some politicians to enter my heart or mind. It is bad enough that I have to see what they say on Facebook and on Internet news sites.

This Lent, I encourage you to help change the conversation. Use the power of suggestion to help brighten the world around you, rather than continuing the march of anger and hate.

In the final scene of tonight’s X-Files, discussing what we should do to reconcile the notion of hate and love and what God is trying to say to us, Agent Scully says to Agent Mulder: “Maybe we should do like the prophets and open our hearts and truly listen.”

That is my call to you this Lent. Open your hearts and truly listen to the unconditional, unending love of God.

Christians: Stop shooting the wounded!

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A wise man once said to me that Christians are the one group that tends to eat their young. He also said that we tend to shoot our wounded. While that may be a gross image, what he meant was that we tend to attack and devour anyone in our midst who we disagree with or find to be odd.

And today, we as Christians continue that trend of devouring our young or shooting our wounded. We look at our brothers and sisters in Christ and if we do not like what we see, if they are not up to our standards of what a Christians should be, we tend to begin gnawing on them. We in the Independent Sacramental Movement are the worst about this. We forget that we are all wounded and imperfect individuals.

We look at our brothers and sisters and being to pick them apart: They are too prideful. They are too full of ego. They are too hard on people. They are weird. They have a history. They went to jail as a youth. They are too fat. They are gluttons. They dress funny. They talk funny. They smoke. They are always sick. They think they know everything. They…they…they…

We even being to assign tags to them: They are dangerous. They are vile. They are hateful. They are to be avoided. They are crazy. They are stupid. They are insolent. They…they…they…

And before you say it, if you are thinking, “But I don’t act that way.” or “I have a good reason to say that about so and so.” Then stop and realize, this message is for you.

Now let us ask ourselves a couple of very pointed questions. 1) What did Jesus say about such things? 2) How did he instruct us to live? and 3) Are we living that way?

1) The first question is the most important. What did Jesus say about such things. Many of you will immediately begin with the money changers in the temple. “Jesus threw them all out of the temple. He was justified in his assessment and anger. He even called the Pharisees vipers!” You are right. Jesus did. But we are not the Son of God either. When mortal men, like you and I, came before Jesus with the woman caught in adultery, what did Jesus do? Here, let me help you:

Now the scribes and Pharisees brought forward a woman caught in adultery, and they stood her in front of them. And they said to him: “Teacher, this woman was just now caught in adultery. And in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such a one. Therefore, what do you say?” But they were saying this to test him, so that they might be able to accuse him. Then Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the earth. And then, when they persevered in questioning him, he stood upright and said to them, “Let whoever is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone at her.” And bending down again, he wrote on the earth. But upon hearing this, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest. And Jesus alone remained, with the woman standing in front of him. Then Jesus, raising himself up, said to her: “Woman, where are those who accused you? Has no one condemned you?” And she said, “No one, Lord.” Then Jesus said: “Neither will I condemn you. Go, and now do not choose to sin anymore.” (John 8:3-11 CPDV)

The authorities were well within their rights to bring this woman up on charges. The Law of Moses said she should be stoned to death for her crime. However, Jesus did something unprecedented. He challenged the law and the authorities and offered a path of love, mercy and forgiveness. He gave her another chance to be different, to change her life, to live anew in freedom. How many times have we denied this opportunity to our brothers and sisters? Bishop, Priests, Deacons: I am speaking to you! How many times have we looked at our fellow brothers and sisters in ministry and immediately taken a dislike to them? How many time have we judged them through the lens of others gossip about them, or others opinions about them? How often have we decided that we are God and judges, sentenced and executed them all the while feeling justified in doing so?

2) How did Jesus teach us to live? This too is a good question we must ask ourselves. How many times have we been hurt by our brothers or sisters, how many times have we perceived a wrong being committed against us? And how did we act or react? How did Jesus instruct us to act?

But I say to you who are listening: Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you, and pray for those who slander you. And to him who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your coat, do not withhold even your tunic. But distribute to all who ask of you. And do not ask again of him who takes away what is yours. And exactly as you would want people to treat you, treat them also the same. And if you love those who love you, what credit is due to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you will do good to those who do good to you, what credit is due to you? Indeed, even sinners behave this way. And if you will loan to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is due to you? For even sinners lend to sinners, in order to receive the same in return. So truly, love your enemies. Do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return. And then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and to the wicked. Therefore, be merciful, just as your Father is also merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: a good measure, pressed down and shaken together and overflowing, they will place upon your lap. Certainly, the same measure that you use to measure out, will be used to measure back to you again.” (Luke 6:27-38 CPDV)

Wow! This is a far cry from what most Christians do today! We tend to label those that hurt us. We tend to shun them, talk bad about them, look for ways to attack them. But that is not Christ-like. That is not living the Gospel.

If anyone says that he loves God, but hates his brother, then he is a liar. For he who does not love his brother, whom he does see, in what way can he love God, whom he does not see? And this is the commandment that we have from God, that he who loves God must also love his brother. (1 John 4:20-21 CPDV)

Listen carefully to me, especially you pastors and teachers: If you do not love your brothers and sisters, you do not love God. Saint John makes this clear. If you say you love God, but hate your brother, you are a LIAR. A LIAR. Listen carefully to what else he says, “he who loves God MUST also love his brother. It does not say that we might love our brother. It does not say if we feel like loving our brother. It does not say if our brother has never hurt us or if our brother is our spiritual equal or if we believe our brother is worthy. NO, it says that we MUST love our brother.

3) Now let us look in the mirror. Are we living the way Christ instructed us to?

Before I get to that, go ahead and begin to rationalize your behavior and your feelings. I will wait.

Now, take a deep look into yourself. Do you love your brothers and sisters? Really? Are you willing to help them bear their cross? Are you willing to look beyond the superficial and see them as Christ sees them?

“But so and so is weird. Or they are dangerous. Or they have a history. Or they hurt my feelings. Or they looked at me wrong. Or their breathing on me. Or…or…or…”

But, before all things, have a constant mutual charity among yourselves. For love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without complaining. Just as each of you has received grace, minister in the same way to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. When anyone speaks, it should be like words of God. When anyone ministers, it should be from the virtue that God provides, so that in all things God may be honored through Jesus Christ. To him is glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 4:8-11 CPDV)

Look at that! Saint Peter commands us to have constant mutual charity toward our brothers and sisters. We cannot have that kind of mutual charity if we are always looking for the bad in each other. We cannot have that kind of mutual charity if we are always harboring anger, resentment and hatred toward one another. We cannot live that command if we are constantly looking down at our brothers and sisters.

And then Saint Peter says something remarkable. He says something I have seen happen time and time again. “For love covers a multitude of sins.” Saint Peter is saying that if we have love, we can overcome these little vices we see in each other. We can overcome the clouded perception we have of one another. We can overcome the slights, hurts and pains we have caused each other. If we only have love!

I want to close with this: We as clergy, we as Christians, have the great opportunity to minister as true mirrors of the risen Christ. We have a chance to love others as Christ does. We have the chance to effect real change in our families, our churches and our world. But if we really want to do that, we must stop focusing on the splinter in our brother’s eye and focus on removing the plank in our own.

Only then, can we truly see clearly enough to love as Christ loves us: unconditionally.

What I learned from being destitute

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This blog post comes after having read this article: This is what happened when I drove my Mercedes to pick up food stamps.

Although I did not have a Mercedes, shortly before Thomas was born, I lost my job. Little did we know that our son would be born early, a whole month early. That put my wife on leave from her job one day shy of a year at that job. When she could not return to work in 4 weeks (she had a c-section and was ordered to remain at home for a minimum of 6 weeks), they fired her.

We applied for unemployment, I could not draw because the church I worked for did not pay into unemployment. She could not draw because she, “Voluntarily refused to report for duty”. Even though the doctor said she could not return, they took that to mean she did not want a job that bad.

We appealed the decision on my wife’s unemployment. A woman we went to church with worked for the unemployment office and she fought us tooth and nail to stop us from getting unemployment. Then she smiled, tried to chat with us and act so Christian at church on Sunday morning. It made us sick at our stomach.

We ended up for almost a year living off of what the church would give us, what family would help us with and what I could make working like a slave at the Roman Catholic Church. To give you an example, I would work 8 hours picking up cigarette butts all over the 10 acre complex, shovel mulch around plants, take out the trash, Pledge the pews in a 200 seat church, vacuum the rectory, church and offices and the priest would give me $20 for the day. If I was a good boy and worked like that all week, he would give me $100! This was not in the 1960’s, this was in 2000!

Everyone saw us walking around in decent clothes driving a 1995 Chevy Cavalier (that was in great condition) and treated us like we were liars and fakes. I had many church people tell me that they were sick that I was scamming the church. Poor people don’t have good cars or nice cloths. What they did not know was that all my clothes either came from the discount racks at Wal-mart or were my dad’s old clothes that he did not want for one reason or another. My wife’s wardrobe consisted of clothes that she had been wearing for almost 10 years! We were not hard on our clothes and took very good care of them. We could not afford to replace them.

We did what most people do in hard times, we lived off of credit cards until they would not let us anymore. Once we had jobs again, we worked very hard to pay off all the credit cards and collections agencies, but when my health took a nose dive a few months after my wife found a good job, the medical bills finished us off. So we ended up filing for bankruptcy.

I cannot tell you how bad I felt about that, but I am going to try to find words. I was a failure. You know, the man is supposed to care for his family. He is the protector, the breadwinner, the rock of the family. I was none of the above. My health left me unable to take care of my family. I had a heart attack and then found out I had arthritis in my spine. I was barely able to walk without stabbing pain in my back. I walked with a cane and slept very little. It was killing me. And then the depression set in. The pain, lack of good sleep, the constant calls from collection agencies and credit card companies, the stare from people who either pitied us (most of them pitied my wife and thought I was a horrible person) or they thought we were scum, did not help that situation at all. I got to where I could not even leave my house. (This would reoccur later as well when the local priest tried to have me arrested for becoming an Independent Catholic. But that is another story.)

Now my wife was having to work to support the family. I was being the stay at home dad and the failure as a man and husband. Then our families turned on us. Bankruptcy was not the answer, they claimed. My wife’s family tried to convince her to leave me and find a real man. You know, a man that was not lazy. To this day I battle that image of myself.

And the process for bankruptcy was humiliating. The stark reality of how badly in the hole we were coupled with the questions about why we did not get on food stamps (the lady at the food stamp office told me I did not qualify) or unemployment (umm…see above). Then came the review of all our possessions to see if there was anything we could sell to cover the debts. And with that came the realization that everything we owned was crap. The car, although it was in good shape, was not worth enough to bother with trying to sale it. The car I had owned, an 1982 Ford Granada was dead. So it was not even worth anything for scrap!

The one thing that made us feel a little better was the judge at the hearing. She looked quickly over the file, asked if there were any creditors present (there were not) and looked at us and said she was sorry that we had to go through all this and ordered the bankruptcy to be completed. We felt so much better walking out of the Federal Court in Kentucky. That is until we got home and all the crap hit us again.

Like the lady in the above article, we were probably harder on ourselves than anyone else was. However, our families did work very hard to break us up. To this day, they still think I am lazy. They believe being a minister is not a real job. They constantly tell my wife that I should get a real job and support my family. There is nothing in this world I would like to do more.

Boston: A lesson in restraint

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It has been a very long week and many of us in the religious world are exhausted. I, for one, have slept very little since the week started. Many prayers have been offered and many statements made about the events of this week.

And tonight, this saga is finally over. One suspect in the bombing of the Boston Marathon is dead and the other is in custody. Many people have already drawn their conclusions concerning these individuals. In the court of public opinion has already tried, convicted and sentenced them to death.

But that cannot be our response. We are a nation of laws. Many of us are people of faith. Regardless of which faith you are, almost all faiths teach its followers to show compassion on those who do us wrong. We must wait for all the facts. We must wait for the laws of the land to do their jobs. And in all of this, we must be very careful not to assume facts that are not in evidence.

One such case of this is the case of Muslims in New York and Boston who have been physically assaulted because of the assumption that they must be terrorist simply because they are Muslim. This is not right. It is not the way Christ would have us act. How would you like to be held accountable for Westboro Baptist Church’s hate speech? Or how would you like to be assaulted because of  Eric Robert Rudolph’s bombing of abortion clinics? These people claim to be Christians and since they have done these acts doesn’t that mean all Christians are just like them?

Of course not! And the same is true of these radicals. They do not represent all of Islam nor do they represent all immigrants. As such, people should refrain from such generalizations and such radical vigilantism that has led to innocent people being attacked.